Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them.

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.

A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it.

It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.

I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.