An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.

A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in.

On every commercial flight, the traveler is told, "Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device". The question is, why doesn't the plane just become a boat?

Two things help to keep one's job. First, let the boss think he's having his own way. Second, let him have it.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.