There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!

I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?