When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.