Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

I'd rather entertain people than offend them.

I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.