Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!