I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I'm attracted to heartbreakers.

With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!