I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.