You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pay your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

What happened? Satan was busy?

Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!