I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!

AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.