If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.

I'm attracted to heartbreakers.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.