If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.

I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

What happened? Satan was busy?

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that.