If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

Ive never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.

I'm attracted to heartbreakers.

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?