I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.