I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.