I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!

AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.