AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.