I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order.

I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!