Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

I'd rather entertain people than offend them.

With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'

I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.