Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?

I'd rather entertain people than offend them.