Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.

I'd rather entertain people than offend them.

I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order.