The reason God made man before woman was that he didn't want any suggestions.

The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks she is above average.

Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.

It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn't consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.

I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.

When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?

More and more Congressmen now stay in Washington all year-round because they can't stay at home under the laws they've passed.