Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

I first did stand-up when I was 17, and then I passed out fliers for a comedy club (in New York City) and I got onstage whenever I could. And musical theater went out the window as soon as I started doing stand-up.

The reason the rest of us remember, like, when John Lennon died, is because it's a moment when adrenaline is surging.

I like my life alone.

I can only speak from my own experience, and I would say that the depression I experienced feels like a chemical change. When it came over me, when it comes over me, it feels like it's coming over me like a flu.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.