Don't tell girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't. It's like saying, 'Hey, when you get in the shower, I'm not gonna read your diary.' 'Wait--are you gonna read my diary?' 'No! I said I'm not gonna read your diary. Go take a shower!'

I can get a script and go, "Well, I'd rather do stand-up." I don't hold movies in higher regard. I love making videos and posting. I love TV.

Anything television trivia I'm good at. But when you're on your couch, you're really good at it, but when you're standing there, it's probably scary.

I think Jews tend to hold me in fairly high regard.

If you sell the Vatican and you take that money and you use it to feed every single human being on the planet, you will get cah-azy pussy. All the pussy. I don't mean literally. That might not be your cup of tea. I don't know what your version of 'all the pussy' is. But you'll get all the pussy.

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.