If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

I don't think comedy comes from hotbeds of doing shtick. I think it usually comes from some kind of childhood humiliation or darkness.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.

My mom was always someone who if, even now, I say I met a certain famous person, she always says, "She's married to so and so!"

The truth is, I've denied it for years, but I love deconstructing comedy.