Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

I remember my first standup act when I was seventeen; I did a really lame song about being flat chested. I was doing it in New York, and I remember Kevin Brennan, the guy I lost my virginity to, was like "That song doesn't make sense, you have tits."

That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.

Comics who grew up surviving their childhood by being able to be the first one to make the joke about their weight or their hairy arms - like me - whatever they're insecure about, whatever they're apologizing for, that becomes their strength.