I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

I'd rather have a girl exposed to me than 25 women in prom dresses vying for a stranger.

It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

If you decide to do comedy that involves risk, risk means risk, and you can't complain of flesh wounds if you sit down at the table to play.