I first did stand-up when I was 17, and then I passed out fliers for a comedy club (in New York City) and I got onstage whenever I could. And musical theater went out the window as soon as I started doing stand-up.

Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.

I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining yourself by what other people think of you, it's a form of self-torture.

The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart.

I'm lucky because I intentionally keep my overhead low, and so I can say, "No, thank you."

I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.

I think Jews tend to hold me in fairly high regard.