It's just hard to say, "Well, I do this, which means this." If I'm telling you exactly who I am, then there's nothing for the audience to say.

If you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you.

I think that whenever a Jew has any kind of notoriety, good or bad, the Jews find it to be good.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

I first did stand-up when I was 17, and then I passed out fliers for a comedy club (in New York City) and I got onstage whenever I could. And musical theater went out the window as soon as I started doing stand-up.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.