I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

I like to think of myself as 'hot-larious' I'm cute, but I'm totally approachable.

I am 39 years old, and I still wake up every morning really excited I don't have to go to school.

Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

I think I've been called edgy - but in all honesty, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot. Unless you're just listening to buzz words and not taking into account the context of the situation, you see I'm always the ignoramus.