When I was 9 or 10 years old, my dad took me over to a neighboring farm to help get stuff for the meal. The farmer, Vic, told me to look at all the turkeys and pick one out. I saw a cute one with a silly walk and cried, 'Him!' Before my pointing finger had even dropped to my side, Vic had grabbed the turkey by the neck and slit [the animal's] throat. Blood and feathers went flying. I had sentenced that turkey to death! Up until then, I didn't know where meat came from—and I've been a vegetarian ever since.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.

We live in a fun time with so many ways to express yourself, you would be crazy to be a comedian and not check them all out.

Anything television trivia I'm good at. But when you're on your couch, you're really good at it, but when you're standing there, it's probably scary.

Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.

[I'm] almost positive there is no God.