I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.

All comics want to be musicians. There's a part of me that wants to be a serious musician. I love songs about heartache and heartbreak.

I became known for surprising audiences. Except now, if I surprise them every time, they expect that.