I don't compromise. I only do the stuff I want to do.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

Some things are just for private. It's like people thinking I'm cold or this or that. It's unfortunate, but I don't need strangers to know that I'm warm. I don't need strangers to know the real me.

I love going to weddings. And I love it when my friends get married. I'm not against marriage but it's just not for me. I'm a vegetarian, but I don't have a problem if you want a hamburger.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

I'd rather have a girl exposed to me than 25 women in prom dresses vying for a stranger.