Comics who grew up surviving their childhood by being able to be the first one to make the joke about their weight or their hairy arms - like me - whatever they're insecure about, whatever they're apologizing for, that becomes their strength.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.

That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.

I like my life alone.

This is AIDS. AIDS is as real as an egg.