I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral.

Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.

It is better for your career to do nothing, than to do something and attract criticism.

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.