Newsreader: A huge asteroid could destroy Earth! And by coincidence, that's the subject of tonight's miniseries. Dogbert: In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off your television screen. [TV remote control] Click.

Management is nature's way of removing idiots from the productive flow.

Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.

My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

We expect others to act rationally even though we are irrational.

I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.