If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time.

We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.

Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve.

The human mind is a delusion generator, not a window to trurh.

By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.

Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.