If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.

I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, 'You know, I'm the only person in this restaurant who can't draw.'

For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays.

Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.

A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

You might think the word "homemade" is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is that the staff sleeps here at night. If your tablecloth is wrinkled, that's why.