People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.

I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it.

Every generation of humans believed it had all the answers it needed, except for a few mysteries they assumed would be solved at any moment. And they all believed their ancestors were simplistic and deluded. What are the odds that you are the first generation of humans who will understand reality ?

Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.

The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.

Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.