Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke teller.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

Newsreader: A huge asteroid could destroy Earth! And by coincidence, that's the subject of tonight's miniseries. Dogbert: In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off your television screen. [TV remote control] Click.

Our perceptions of truth are built around what is practical, not what is true. Even the smartest human brain doesn't have the capacity for discerning true facts. That's why so many of us settle for scientific facts. It's the best we can do.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.