I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.

In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.

I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.

Intelligence is a measure of how well you function within your level of awareness.