You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

I burned out my drawing hand by using it too much. The common word for it is writer's cramp. The fancy words for it are focal dystonia. The symptom in my case was a pinky finger that went spastic when I tried to draw.

If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.

If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.

The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits.

The human mind is a delusion generator, not a window to trurh.

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.