God designs people's emotions so you fall in love with people who, in return, wouldn't even use your hollowed-out skull for a spittoon.

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

He was tenser than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.