God designs people's emotions so you fall in love with people who, in return, wouldn't even use your hollowed-out skull for a spittoon.

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

My investments have been hurt.

I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they are they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.