God designs people's emotions so you fall in love with people who, in return, wouldn't even use your hollowed-out skull for a spittoon.

No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab.

Failure is where success likes to hide in plain sight.

When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.

Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.

In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog's job will be to make sure that if the pilot tries to touch any of the buttons, the dog bites him.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.