The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but there isn't much doubt that I'll always be the 'Dilbert guy.' Unless I go on a crime spree, in which case I'll be that stabbin Dilbert guy.

If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.

Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.

I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time.

Failure is a resource that can be managed.

My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser.

Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.