Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it.

Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.

The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.

One of the great things about being ignorant is that I often think my ideas are original. It's a wonderful feeling. That's why I try to avoid any knowledge that would spoil the sensation. Sometimes it isn't easy. People keep hurling knowledge at me, and I can't always duck.

Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.