The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.

People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.

Every credible scientist on earth says your products harm the environment. I recommend paying weasels to write articles casting doubt on the data. Then eat the wrong kind of foods and hope you die before the earth does.

If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.

And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.

One of the great things about being ignorant is that I often think my ideas are original. It's a wonderful feeling. That's why I try to avoid any knowledge that would spoil the sensation. Sometimes it isn't easy. People keep hurling knowledge at me, and I can't always duck.

Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren't much good to anyone else if you're unhealthy, a financial burden, or an emotional basket case. Fix yourself before you turn outward. It's best for everyone.