Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.

If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.

We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary.

It is better for your career to do nothing, than to do something and attract criticism.

Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.