If you have no tragedy, you have no comedy. Crying and laughing are the same emotion. If you laugh too hard, you cry. And vice versa.

In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.

After all those years of doing a live, hour-and-a-half show every week, I've got nothing more I need to prove.

People come up to me and they thank me: 'I thank you for the many, many hours of laughter.'

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

The things I see now on TV and in movies are so outlandish. Kids doing rude things with pies! And the language that they use! It's being outrageous for the sake of being outrageous. I can't watch it. It turns me off.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.