The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

When I did comedy I made fun of myself. If there was a buffoon, I played the buffoon. And people looked at me and said, "Gee, that's like Uncle David", or "That's like a friend of mine.". And they related through that. I didn't make fun of them. I made fun of me.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

If you can't stand yourself, neither can anybody else!

If I don't believe it, I don't care.

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.