Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

After all those years of doing a live, hour-and-a-half show every week, I've got nothing more I need to prove.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

A great NOW will be a great WAS! A bad NOW will always be a bad WAS, and all you can hope for is a Great GONNA BE!

The things I see now on TV and in movies are so outlandish. Kids doing rude things with pies! And the language that they use! It's being outrageous for the sake of being outrageous. I can't watch it. It turns me off.

Everybody wants to have a goal - I gotta get to that goal, I gotta get to that goal, I gotta get to that goal. I can finally get to that goal. Then you get to that goal, and then you gotta get to another goal. But in between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed - and if you don't, you're a fool.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.