He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.

The truly beautiful are often abused for apparent ugliness just as those with great vision often bump into things.

What do you get the man who has everything? Might I suggest a gravestone inscribed with the words: so what?

I've got nothing against any individual American, except that there aren't any. They're always Irish-American, African-American... There's never an American-American you can blame.

Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six.

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

I wear glasses myself. As an affectation, as a badge of high intellect and to see with.