I don't worry about losing my looks. It's finding them on someone else that worries me.

What do you get the man who has everything? Might I suggest a gravestone inscribed with the words: so what?

Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as bad as some would have you believe. That is, unspeakably awful but mercifully brief.

I've got nothing against any individual American, except that there aren't any. They're always Irish-American, African-American... There's never an American-American you can blame.

Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six.

All men are brothers. Hence war.

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.