If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!