I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.

Baby carrots are making me gay.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.