It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.